By Kristina Rose
I was that one that wandered. I was “the” one out of the ninety-nine. What’s worse is that I “wandered” for eight years. But I am here to testify to you. I am here to be a witness to you that it is true that Jesus leaves no one behind. If you are struggling in your walk of faith right now, I want to encourage you not to give up because God is coming for you.
My Testimony
It was the end of August in 2011 when I heard a voice tell me to go to church. Now, at this time church wasn’t on my mind. I was living my life in the fast lane. I was not thinking about God or church. I was just living my life the way I saw fit. And it would only take one night for all of that to drastically change. Over a period of two to three weeks, I found myself reading the Word and praying. I was talking to God every day as if He were right in front of me. But I also thought in the back of my mind, I had to be going crazy. How did I go from not thinking about God at all to holding full on conversationswith Him. I began questioning if I was even speaking to Him and asked for a sign. Isn’t that what we do? We look for signs. Well be careful what you ask for because you just might get it. I was upset with God because I wanted Him to show me something tangible right then when I asked for it. I asked for Him to touch my hand and show me His face. Now, you know I didn’t really expect it, but it was a test for me. I think in the same sense I wanted to get that confirmation. I’m sure I would have been scared out of my wits! He did not do what I requested andI got very upset. So, I went to the bar and tried to get drunk but I couldn’t. Nomatter what I drank, all it did was give me a migraine. I had to leave the bar early. I took one and a half advil 600 mg and got on my living couch and went to sleep. I was in a deep sleep and was talking a man behind my car. At that time, I owned a white Honda Accord. We were talking like best friends leaning up against the back of my car. We were laughing and joking and then all the sudden I felt a touch on my hand. I was shaking in my sleep after each touch. I felt that touch three times. I tried waking up and I seemed to be alert but I wasn’t able to wake up. The I saw these really white clouds moving super fast, then they cleared up crystal clear and I saw a face. I saw that face three time and was shaking uncontrollably.
I remember trying to yell out of my sleep to Cris, my husband. I didn’t understand what was happening to me. I tried to sit up but my body wouldn’t me. I asked Him to stop because I couldn’t handle it. As soon as I said that, I was able to get up. But I felt like I tried to get up before my body. I know that seems strange but it felt even more strange. I got on the floor with my husband and wrapped his arms around me because I was scared to go back to sleep. I just felt like I was going to die that night. But I heard singing. I heard clearly a song called “I surrender all” and I heard that same voice that had been talking to me for two weeks ask me, “Do you surrender?” I said “Yes”! And I continued on dreaming about different things and then woke up. I did not want to wake up. Because after all that, I was seeing so much in my dream but before I knew it my eyes were open. I went to get up and boy did I feel like I was on two different planes. It felt like my body was holding me down. I wish I could give a better expression of how I felt. But that is the most detailed way I can say. I couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t eat. I smelled jasmine all through my house. But the funny thing was when I went outside my house it didn’t smell good at all, there were a mixture of smell. The most prominent was of like a burning chemical or something of that nature. I think at that time I claimed it smelled like sulfur yet I never smelled sulfur before . It was like my senses were heightened. I always say, God saved me in the most elaborate way I could think of. I knew I had been born again! Without a doubt. I got so close to God, in church, in His Word daily. Always praying and the closer I got to God the less people came around. I began losing “losing friends”. It was just me and God, besides my family.
The One That Got Away
Then slowly and gradually after experiencing some really detrimental things, I began to move away from Christ. It wasn’t abrupt, it was subtle. I stopped going to church, I started smoking again (weed), I started going around the people I had separated from, I began drinking a little til it turned into a lot, and there it was! I had done exactly what God said I would. And I would be gone for eight years. I was backsliding. Now, let’s define backslidden. Some confuse backsliding with apostasy. These are two different states. Backsliding is to relapse into bad habits, sinful behavior, or undesirable activities. Backsliding is a sliding back. Though backsliding is not sudden in onset, it may escalate rapidly. Backsliding is different from falling away or apostasy, which is the extreme end of backsliding. Apostasy or falling away is the act or state of rejecting the Christian Faith and belief in the Lord Jesus Christ. I did not reach a state of apostasy or falling away. Though I was in a backslidden state, I was very aware of God’s presence. I was still reminded of who I was in Jesus. As stated before, it was a battle. And a battle I was fully aware of and I had no inclination to reject my Christian faith and belief in the Lord. If anything, it built up my belief in God because in that state He was there. He was with me. Though I questioned my very salvation, God would remind me of who I am, my identity in Him. That I did not belong to the world.
The Dream
Let me tell you about another dream I had during this time. I was running with other people. We were hiding. They were killing Christians. Attacking Christians. We were dressed a certain way and that’s how the enemy could recognize us. So I was running in the place and jumped behind some dumpsters. I quickly grabbed these clothes that looked like everyone else who were safe. I was putting on the pantsone leg at a time. I put on the shirt. I was fully covered in this outfit and then a group of people came over to me. The started talking and smiling but I didn’t say a word. I just smiled. I knew I was trying to fit in. Then someone noticed, I did not belong in those clothes. I started to run. As I was running shots were being fired but then all the sudden I was snatched up. I was on this branch. No one could see me. I finally got to a shelter with other Christians and took those clothes off. I stripped them down to the clothes I had on underneath. The Christian clothes. Look at God. Even then God was communicating with me. I woke up and immediately wrote my dream down. I had hope. Yes, for a moment I tried to cloak myself as the world. I disguised myself as the world. I tried to go back and fit into the world, but they knew I didn’t belong. And this is so true. So many times I would go to the bar or around people who would say “You don’t belong here”. I would have conversations while out trying to get drunk and have a good time, God would come up and I find myself telling someone else about God but meanwhile I was feeling the guilt.
God was using me in that state. God was communicating with me. But in this dream, notice. I ran to get away from the world. Dodging shots! Running for my life. And a branch snatched me up! A branch ya’ll. What does Jesus say about Himself. In Isaiah 4:2, it is written: In that day the Branch of the LORD shall be beautiful and glorious; And the fruit of the earth shall be excellent and appealing For those of Israel who have escaped. Who are they talking about? He is called “the Branch of the Lord”—He is God’s descendant! He is the Son of God, not just the son of the man David! Jesus! So if we put it into context, Jesus snatched me up out of the world, from harms way, from death, from the shots fired. Lord! Thank you Jesus! And He protected me, He rescued me and then led me back to His people. Stripped me of the world! And I was back in my original place with God. But notice. When the worldly clothing was stripped off of me, I was still wearing my Christian garments. Do you understand the brevity of this dream! Wow! Inside, I was still a child of God. I still belonged to God.
Backslidden
Now during this time of being backslidden, I still prayed. Not as often as I used to, but I did. I prayed when I wanted to or when I felt the need… Almost like if I was going too far I would beg for mercy and forgiveness. But I was losing hope. My church didn’t even notice. I think for a very long time this feuled why I didn’t go back to church. This is another subject for another talk. But, trust me, I was let down in my heart regarding my church which didn’t make it any easier to come back. If anything, it was more of a reason I didn’t come back. But the more I stayed away the more I found myself trying to fill that void. I knew in my heart I needed God and that there would be no other thing or person that would fill it. But for some reason or another I was stuck there. I felt stuck. Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you felt you were doing something that you really didn’t enjoy but it was out of habit. Kind of like smoking a cigarette. You smoke it at specific times and convince yourself that smoking is relieving something but really it’s just out of habit. Your body has a need or yearning for it but you know deep inside you don’t need it. We often say, “I need to quit, I know I do and I will when I’m ready.” Well, there you go. I never felt right. I never felt satisfied. I felt like I was forcing myself to enjoy the things I once enjoyed before being saved. I had the inability to enjoy my life at that time because I was away from God.
The Battle
During that time, there was an apparent battle going on between my spirit and my flesh. It was a literal wrestling between the two. I would sin and then pray. Sin then pray. Sin then repent. Sin then try and change, but it was only outward. So I would find myself right back where I started. The worse thing during that time were the attacks. I would get attacked spiritually, my health was detiorating, I suffered from severe anxiety, dreams turned nightmares, negative thoughts, etc. I started to believe that I had truly lost my salvation. But what I didn’t know was that, even in that time God was working on me. Though I was backslidden, God was with me. You may ask, why didn’t you just come back to God? Well, it wasn’t that easy. See, when I was finally totally away and had no fellowship with anyone and was surrounded by people who did not care enough to speak about it, it became easier to be away. Though everything in me yearned for God, I began ignoring those tuggings and warnings. The more I did that the easier it became to pretend to be who I used to be. When you are on a slippery slope, you slide, and even when you reach out to catch yourself, without the proper tools you continue to slide until you hit rock bottom. And that is exactly what I did, hit rock bottom.
Isolated
I became more and more upset with my church because they didn’t notice a whole family missing that was once there every Sunday. I didn’t have Angel anymore, she was either busy or I just couldn’t get through to her. I can think of a million things at that time that just didn’t happen even when I really wanted it to happen. When I say I hit rock bottom, I mean it. I was in situations that would take a book to explain each and every one. Each one is a testimony in itself. Let’s just say, it was the best role I had played in my entire life… I say role because the entire time I was doing all those things, it was opposite to before I had been saved.
Cry For Help
Finally, I came to a point where I realized I couldn’t take it anymore. I knew I had to get back up again. For some time, every single night that I drank or got high, I went in my bathroom and got on my knees and begged God to deliver me. I knew at this point, I could not change my circumstances on my own. Though on the outside everything seemed fine to everyone else. I was dealing with so much on the inside. I begged. The difference between these moments and the ones before was that I truly wanted to be delivered. I knew I couldn’t do it. I would do this every single night. I would wake up mess up and do it again. The more I called out Jesus’ name, the harder I called Him the closer He came. I say this because it took quite a few times over that toilet before I started needing the Word. I started needing it again. I started turning on YT and listening to faith videos, I would listen to prayers, I would listen to the Bible app, and then I’ll never forget. I woke up one morning and I had already quit. I had no desire to drink alcohol. I had no desire to smoke. I had no desire to even leave my home. All I wanted was to be with God. To be with my family. I was delivered. I can truly say, I woke up like this!
Deliverance
I was truly delivered! There is nothing like the experience of deliverance. To know that God was the one who did it. I could not say it was my church or myself. All honor and glory goes to God alone. He made sure of that. And to this day I am grateful. It’s been three years that’s I’ve been sober. I had a few mistakes with old habits but each year it’s way less. For instance, I messed up after over a year of being sober one night and then again after another. So let’s just say once a year I messed up but not enough to fall. Thank God! All glory to Him. He is sustaining me but I must remain in submission to Him. I’m realizing that being in submission to Him is the best thing I could ever do for myself.
be Inspired
For those of you who are struggling in your walk or are backslidden. The Word says that “God is married to the backslider in Jeremiah 3:14-15, “Return, O backsliding children,” says the Lord; “for I am married to you. I will take you, one from a city and two from a family, and I will bring you to Zion. And I will give you shepherds according to My heart, who will feed you with knowledge and understanding. The Lord is clearly stating here that if a backslider returns, He will rescue them. He will bring them back and will give
them Sheperds (those who will tend to them, care for them, lead them) who are aligned with Christ or are according to His heart. What a promise of rescue we see here! For backsliders, there is hope. So don’t let anyone tell you that you are doomed and that God will spit you out and all that nonsense. If you have truly been born again, God is still working on you and you should be battling between spirit and flesh. Though you feel this way, you should ultimately have a need for God. A yearning to stop sinning and turn
back to Him. You should be feeling a tug at your heart. You should be experiencing the need to repent. As one who has been in that perpetual state, I can witness that God has, throughout that entire time, drawn me closer to Him in many different ways. Whether through people along the path that brought the Word to my attention, called out my actions and expected accountability. People who prayed for me during that time and even myself praying during that time, or even constantly being reminded that I belong to Jesus, by Holy Spirit. Or that Jesus showed up every time I called out to Him. There was never a time I can remember that when I called on Him, He did not answer. That longing and need for God. The emptiness that could not be filled or satisfied in anything that I was doing. There are so many more examples of how God drew me back in to Him. But undoubtedly, it was by His doing alone. No one came for me in that time span, not even my church! Though people prayed and spoke to me, it was God that actually continued to consistently pursue me. Even when I began to question whether I was truly saved or not. I hit rock bottom and was there for quite a while, but patiently and surely, God spoke to me. God gave that nudge. He was the one who drew me through every outlet I was using to further myself from Him. I began to lose interest in each one and realize that none of those things was going to fill the void I was trying to fill. In the midst of all of that, I cried out to God. I repented several times over again even for the same things. But God would lead me to Roman 8:38-39, For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers,neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Though I was in a state of rebellion, habitual sin, and other things, it was God that kept me. God that
caused me to want Him above everything else. It was not something I caused for myself. It was by His power alone. We don’t naturally think of God. We need to understand that it is not by our power that we have salvation but it is of God’s power, mercy, and grace that we have salvation. Pray through it. Worship in it. Give it to God each and every time and you will get your breakthrough.